The Land Lubber’s Challenge-Chapter 5


A chapter in which Gwen does a little exploring…


MONDAY (week 5)–Alright Gwen.  Since it seems that your house is going to be a long time in coming, we can at least try to accomplish and complete some aspect of this challenge so that I don’t give up and get rid of you altogether…Wait…Did I just say that out loud?


Oh, don’t look so worried.  I didn’t mean it…fully.  I think it’s time to head back to the gym and see if we can get you into shape.  We’re going to need some kind of disguise for this…a hat and some sunglasses should be enough so that no one recognizes you…at least it always is in the movies and this is just like one big movie, isn’t it Gwen?  Except I don’t get paid and you aren’t talented and famous.


Alright, here we are.  You really shouldn’t be tiptoeing in here like that Gwen.  People are starting to stare.  What?  Oh…Yes, it does look like I tucked my skirt into my underwear this morning…again.  I really need to start paying more attention when I’m getting dressed in the mornings, don’t I? 


Well, for once it looks like we are in luck.  The gym seems pretty clear this morning.  I guess the news that a psychotic nutjob has been raiding the locker room dresser tends to put a damper on business.  Ah well, more room for us, eh?


What do you mean, you think we shouldn’t be here if there is a psychotic nutjob on the loose?  *sigh*  I get the feeling that your “genius” trait applies to an ‘academic genius’ rather than a ‘common sense’ genius.  Oh the things that I find out far too late into this challenge…


THURSDAY (week 5)–Well, it’s a nice, bright sunny Thursday morning Gwen.  What say we go for a run to a special little place that we’ve visited before.


What special little place?  Well, let’s just say that I’ve renamed this place to something a little less intimidating for you, since I figured that you would be a little resistant to the idea of going back there again. 


Welcome to the Haunted Resting Place of the Dead, Deceased, and Restless.  It’s a much happier place in the daytime when it’s all lit up and you can see every detail, isn’t?  And with the new, happy moniker, there should be no reason to fear it any longer, right Gwen?


*girly shriek*  What?  What do you mean, you see something floating over there by the mausoleum?  What is it?  What is it?!


Butterflies?  Butterflies of death, you mean?  Oh…yes…just regular everyday butterflies.  Well, then *cough*, I guess, we should, ahhh…go in a little farther than and start gathering.  I’ll just ummm…stay over here near the entrance for a minute to, uhhh, catch my breath and I’ll be right over.


Gwen, the cemetary…I mean, the Haunted Resting Place of the Dead, Deceased, and Restless isn’t a good place to make friends.  Just grab the butterfly and put it in your pocket so we can, ummm, move on.  Yes, I see that you’ve made a connection with the butterfly and yes, it does have the same characteristics that your future child might have such as buggy eyes and hairy legs, but I feel a chill wind begining to blow and you, ummm, know how my trick knee tends to act up when it gets cold out.  I really don’t feel that we should be wasting time in this place.  As a matter of fact, maybe it was a mistake to come here aft…. 


Oh God!!  What?!  What’s wrong, Gwen?!  What have you seen? Gwen!  What aren’t you saying anything?!  Come on girl…Spit it out! 


*hysterical pitch to voice*  What’s wrong?!  Is it coming after us?  That’s it…I’m outta….


Rocks!?!  You’ve spotted some flipping rocks?!  That’s it?  Are you kidding me?  Mmmmm…I see.  I forgot.  I did give you the “excitable” trait.  Well, you’ve put that one to good use haven’t you?  My heart is beating a mile a minute here and I feel like throwing up.  I’m not quite sure why you can apply the “excitable” trait without any problems, but the “genius” trait seems to fail every time.


What do you mean, where did I go?  I ditched you at the first sign of trouble.  Do you have a problem with that?  It’s not my fault that here we are in a cemetary in the middle of the day, which I must say, is way more freaky than any nighttime visit, and you begin squealing like a little girl about to wet herself over something in the corner.  What did you expect me to do?  Stick around and see whatever I thought was about to eat you eat me as well?  Someone’s gotta stay alive to tell the tale.  And since I’m the storyteller here, I decided to practice a bit of self-preservation.


Just go collect the rocks that you’ve gotten your underwear all in a bundle over and I’ll work on extracting myself from the sticker bush that is currently rending my flesh.  Just remember, I owe you one Gwen and paybacks a…Ouch!  Stinking stickers!


*brushes dry twigs out of hair*  Sure Gwen.  I can see what you’re saying.  *rolls eyes*  Yes, I guess this place isn’t too bad.  There are several beautiful things here.  I guess it’s just the chill wind that keeps blowing and the pervasive stink of death that is keeping me from fully enjoying the experience, but don’t worry about me.  Keep on collecting.


Yes, I guess you could consider it to be something of a love/hate relationship.  You love me and I…Oh, wait.  You aren’t talking about us, are you?  This place?  Yes, I guess that could apply to here as well…


So, uh, Gwen.  I have something of a proposition for you.  I know that we’ve come here to seek our final fish and round out your fishing collection, but since we are having such a, umm, wonderful time here, hows about a little challenge?  You know…Just to make things interesting?


So here’s what I’m thinking.  Over here we have this wonderfully dark, mysterious masoleaum, just waiting to be explored.  I bet that no one in their right mind has ever dared to enter it prior to our coming here.  It’s probably been locked and sealed for centuries.  I bet it has all kinds of wonderful and exciting things to discover inside.  It may even have lots of treasure…Treasure, Gwen!  Just think…we could get a jump start on your house this week with all the treasure that is piled up inside the place.


So what say you go in and take a look around.  What?  No, I can’t come with you.  I’ll, uh, need to keep an eye on things out here.  You know…Just in case someone comes by and has a question about something really important.  I have full confidence in you that you will come back unscathed and laden with rich treasures aplenty.


(20 minutes later)–*whisper*  Gwen?…Gwen?  Are you alright in there?  Was that a roar that I just heard?  That sounded something like an…


angry bear.  *ahem*  Well, who would’ve thought that a mother bear would have made her den in there?  Gwen?  Gwen, are you alright? 


*laughing*  You really look like a mess, Gwen.  At least your underwear is still intact, eh?  Gwen?…Gwen, why aren’t you saying anything?  Gwen?  Gwen, where are you going? 


Gwen, we aren’t done here yet today…We haven’t caught our Deathfish yet…


Gwen, don’t leave me here…all alone.  It’s getting dark now Gwen.  I feel so small and alone here by myself.  I don’t know what to do here on my own…


*small voice*  I’ll see you back at home then, Gwen?  I’ll just, uh, just find my way home myself.  I’m sure you’ll be feeling better after you have a hot bubble bath…umm, in the shower.  *sigh*  I guess it’s all fun and games until someone gets hurt…


FRIDAY (week 5)–Yes, I can see that it’s broken again Gwen.  What did you expect?  How was I to know that you would actually try to take a bubble bath in the shower?  I was only joking.  Oh, I see…You didn’t fill the shower up with water because you were trying to take a bubble bath…Why did you do that then?  *snort and eye roll*  Were you trying to end your miserable existance?…Oh…Oh, I see…


No, we still can’t afford to call someone.  You’re going to have to fix it on your own.  You did a fine job with it the last three times that you’ve broken it, so I’m sure the fourth time will be no problem for you.  You made the mess…now you’ve got to fix it.


What?  No complaints?  Let me guess…You still aren’t talking to me after what happened on Monday?  The silent treatment is kind of juvenile, don’t you think?  We’ve come farther than that haven’t we?  You’d better take it easy on that shower head, Gwen.  You’re beating on it kind of hard. 32

Oh yes.  Yes, that is a wonderful idea.  Believe me, there is no one that would like to see these frigging time vampires replaced more than me and we could replace all of these things…IF WE HAD ANY MONEY.  But your bank statement tends to differ with us on that point, so until you start making more money, we’re stuck with these crappy fixtures.


SUNDAY (week 5)–Well it’s finally Sunday.  We’ve had an eventful and somewhat painful week, haven’t we Gwen?  But in the end it has all paid off.  Mostly.  Let’s go see what kind of progress we can make on your house.


Well, we’re getting there.  Painfully.  Slowly.  But getting there.  You’d better get some sleep.  We’ve got another week of fun ahead of us starting tomorrow!



  1. brandon61 said,

    November 24, 2009 at 5:47 am

    I absolutely loved reading about poor hapless Gwen and her endless quest. Great format! Keep writing

    • breannestone said,

      December 20, 2009 at 7:42 am

      Thank you Brandon! I’m glad you enjoyed it. I agree…poor Gwen. I promise I’m not that mean in real life.


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